I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
the condom got lost in my hair
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
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