I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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