Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
Randomize
