just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
what's Bukake?
a bad idea.
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
Randomize
