I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
Randomize
