he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
