I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
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