I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
