I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
Randomize
