Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
