FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
Come share oat with me in your robe
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
