I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
I stole a fireplace last night.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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