new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
Randomize
