I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
Princesses don't give blow jobs
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
Randomize
