please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Randomize
