If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
Randomize
