Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
Randomize
