Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
I already googled the effects of Molly with my antibiotics, I should be fine.
Why is there even a knowledge base for that?!
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
Randomize
