3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Randomize
