oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Randomize
