I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
hows the new call of duty?
I only had sex with the game case so far, but that part was awesome.
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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