Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
Randomize
