I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
All i remember about last night is holding a bottle of bacardi and screaming challenge accepted!
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Randomize
