Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize
