I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
Randomize
