I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
