and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
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