i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Randomize
