No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
My bed smells like the plague
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