i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
I love how girls just decide that guys who don't like them must be gay
I do the same thing. If a girl doesn't like me...I am like, "i must be gay"
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
Randomize
