I wish I could teleport
Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
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