He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
i screwed him while his gf was puking in the shower. 2011 is looking up already
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
Randomize
