Apparently you make a good broom.
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
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