My liver just broke up with me...
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
Randomize
