Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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