I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
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