I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
Randomize
