lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
Can you recommend a quality dick? I haven’t had a good sexing in a while
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