In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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