Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
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