rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Video on mandys page of you drinking upside down was finally put up...too bad all the comments were about me and him fighting in the background while he screamed "BLOW BIG BETSY!'
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