just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
Randomize
