How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
just survived the first fart of the relationship.
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
