I wish I could teleport
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Do u believe in the possibility of big foot?
You high??
Randomize
