I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
Do they fuck in the end of "Lady and the Tramp" or am i just wasting my time
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Randomize
