It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
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