don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
this is an emotional support booty call
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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