If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
