went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
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