just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
