I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
Randomize
