Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
